BREAKING — Epidemic of U.Va. Alumni Asking For Extensions

Recently, there has been an epidemic swiping through Northern Virginia — the extension epidemic. No, I’m not talking about hair extensions. I’m talking about assignment extensions. You know, the ones you beg your professor for at midnight via email because you waited until the last minute to write a 12-page paper you had a whole month to do. Sending these emails or talking to your professor can feel like doing chemistry blindfolded, not knowing if your actions will do absolutely nothing or cause the whole thing to blow up in your face. Though it’s usually the latter, it ultimately depends on the professor.

Most professors will deny your request to submit your discussion post a day later because you accidentally got stuck in space after winning what you thought was a trip to a Bruno Mars concert. Those same professors will then wait a week before grading said discussion post and grade it as incomplete because it was 0.11 seconds late. So much for spending what felt like light years shoving wires into a potato until you were finally able to connect to the University’s wifi and access the Oxford English Dictionary.

The rare professors — you know, the ones that actually have a soul and know what it’s like to be human — will allow you to submit your work whenever, no matter if its because you got COVID-19 or because you just recently re-watched Twilight and are still coping with the fact that Jacob imprinted on a literal child. Though this may sound nice, these professors seem to have misdirected actions. Rather than caring for their students’ mental health, these professors are setting their students up for failure. Recent studies from an unknown and allegedly unreliable source have found that, because of COVID-19, professors have become more accommodating and open to giving extensions. However, it has also come to the public's attention that U.Va. alumni seem to believe that extensions apply to all parts of life, not just baseless college assignments.

This epidemic first seemed to come to light last year when Darden Business School graduate Gordon Delfort texted the IRS on their call number and told them that he would need an extension on his taxes. His reason — he was going to tour Europe for a couple of months and would not be able to file his taxes until he got back. Upon leaving the airport after his flight home, Delfort was arrested by the IRS for tax evasion. While in custody, Delfort asked for his association dean only to be shocked when told that she had quit her job at U.Va. to work for the IRS. Delfort was then given an attorney and released a statement claiming that he “knew the IRS was a joke” as soon as he “saw his text message turn green” and that he would be “suing the IRS for emotional distress” and would like all his “tax money back” so that he could “cope with another vacation.”

Though having, what seemed to him a strong case, Delfort missed his court date, inevitably leading the judge to declare him guilty. Most recently, Delfort has come out with a statement claiming that “he slept in,” and should “at least be allowed two unexcused absences before they grade his case.” Few sympathize with Delfort’s situation, but many are inclined to ask, “Doesn’t college teach you all this tax and legal stuff that are essential for you to be a citizen?” The answer, unanimously, seems to be no.

Further concern has arisen after University biology major Eva Lution sued her doctor for making her baby come before its due date. Lution released this statement — “I told her that I had a pregnancy photoshoot coming up so I wouldn't be able to deliver the baby on time and needed an extension. However, the doctor kept telling me that she couldn’t change the due date and that it wasn’t up to her. I let her lack of accommodation slide, but the baby turned out to be due even earlier than she said it was! That has to be illegal or something. I thought doctors swore an oath to do no harm and follow their syllabus?”

Many other alumni have also been reported asking for extensions on their quickly expiring milk, their crippling student loan payments, their breakups — at least until after Christmas so they don’t have to explain anything to their family — and even extensions on moving out of their parents’ house.

Little is being done to fight this rapidly devolving situation at the moment as the authorities in the NOVA area are also recent graduates from the University and have asked for an extension on solving the issue. Will they even find a solution? I’ll get back to you on that.

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